If you were wondering what i've been up to lately, the simplest and most honest response I could afford would be that I've been thinking.
Flipping thoughts and feelings back and forth all the time rarely amounts to solution, and today I cleaned the house and made some tea and sat on my bedroom floor staring out the window when a solution finally came.
I spend hours a day wondering if I'm in the right place, if I'm using my time effectively, feeling an emptiness that somehow cannot be filled. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing or why I am here.
Of course I know that suffering is a natural part of existence. It isn't surprising that I find myself inconsolable when a relationship is ending though I wish it wasn't, to feel guilty when I wish I could take back something regrettable that was done or said in the past. What is seemingly most difficult for me to come to terms with is that i am not in control of any other person or any given situation, and I never will be.
Leaves were falling, leaves falling in their own time, falling back to the earth and nothing could hold them back. They were dying, and with such grace and ease- it begged the question: what's the point in fighting separation? Knowing it's inevitability, I should naturally accept that things both come and fall away from my life in their season. This rings true in so many aspects of life- my relationships, my work, but moreover; a new or outworn idea of who I think I am.
The emptiness, the ambivalence, it's all a part of it. It's part of my life so I have to acknowledge the union of all life in turn, and give way to the sense of a separate self. Just let it be, trust in the natural order of things. Smile.
